Not for the Weak

Change is not for the weak.

And right now, I am weak.

I am tired of change.

Tired of changing.

I am tired of putting my brain through one change after another.

Now I'm just whining. But you get my point don't you?

Change is hard.

Change for the better is good, but I feel like I've been through the ringer! You know the old ringer washer where you would feed the clothes through the two rollers. As the clothes go through the rollers the excess water is squeezed out.




I feel like a piece of clothing going through the rollers. I am being squeezed. I have nothing left.

I am trying to assimilate what I am learning into my life and trying to eliminate what I don't need. It sounds so simple.

Now picture yourself holding a jigsaw puzzle.

And imagine that puzzle you are holding represents your life.

As you are holding your life in your hands, you are told to drop that puzzle on the ground.

You know that if you do this that it will break into hundreds of pieces. You also know that you can't do anything while you are stuck holding a jigsaw puzzle. If you drop the puzzle, your hands are free. However, if you hold onto it, you are bound. The dropping of that puzzle represents the beginning of your freedom. So, you weigh out your choices.

What kind of life will you have walking around with a puzzle in your hands the rest of your life? Guarding it ever so carefully so that nothing happens to it. What kind of life is that? It is a safe life. It is a life that you may be comfortable with. It is a life that you know. But it is not the best life for you. It is not the best life for me. So out I step. Out of my comfort zone. The comfort zone that has protected me for so many years. Yet this protection has come with a cost. The cost is joy, happiness, friendship, love of self.

I drop the puzzle. I drop the life I know so well.


The puzzle pieces now lay on the ground. Some lay face up and some lay face down. When I chose to drop the puzzle and free my hands, I felt that I chose a monumental task for myself. I felt I would have to sift through all of these pieces to see what pieces were still relevant and what pieces were no longer relevant in my life. These pieces I would discard.

Day in and day out I have been racing through my thoughts, looking in the recesses of my mind for areas I may have missed. What if I missed this area? What if I forgot about that? I have been sorting through my mind as if it were the puzzle pieces that fell to the ground. I have been wasting my energies on "what if's" instead of focusing on the here and now. I felt life was getting in the way, instead of the puzzle pieces getting in the way of my life.

The puzzle pieces are on the ground. There they may stay.

I'm tired.

I'm hard on myself.

I don't want to look at any more puzzle pieces......maybe that's why I'm on day 2 of a migraine.

I want my life.

My Lost Key

I found my key the other day. I didn't know it was lost. It isn't a key to any tangible door. I had an "AHA" moment, and then, right before me was the key.

My key.

A key that I had begged for. Cried for. Longed for. Hoped for. Prayed for. There it was, right in front of me.

I have been searching for control in my life. Control over my life. Control of my life. The more things I tried to control the less control I seemed to have. That was THE KEY. I was trying to control THINGS, while still allowing OTHERS to have control over me.

I have found my key. CHOICE.

I choose to take my life back. I choose to be responsible for my life. That means I hold no one else responsible for what happens to me.

I CHOOSE ME.

For those of you who know me, or of my circumstance, THIS IS BIG.

I have allowed others to have too much control over my life. I allow what others think of me to dictate what I will say, how I will act or who I will be.

I am good enough as I am.

I am worthy of love as I am, just because I AM.
I choose to be happy instead of indifferent.
I choose to love not just be loved.
I choose peace instead of anger.
I choose my husband and sons.
I choose joy.

By choosing my own destiny I am taking back my life. The life I have been searching for all these years.

I thank God for small miracles and ask for one more.

(I went to the doctor this week and received some not so great news. I will know more in July. You may get to see me glow again.)

REVELATIONS

There has been something quite liberating about the treatment I have undergone this past week:

-No work (who am I kidding, I worked an hour on Saturday answering emails from work)

-No makeup (I look like death warmed over, but hey, I have no one to impress! Not like the hubby and I can do anything for 2 weeks!)

-No bra (Quit looking, you can't see anything anyways, it's cyberspace! DUH!!)

But not only that, I have found myself revealing some of my little (and BIG) life secrets in comment boxes around the blog world. Hmmmmmm.

I also have found myself......wait for it......

FEELING

again.

(GASP)

How could this be? I thought those things were long gone? Stored away in a very, very, very safe place. Not so. Those feelings of mine have emerged from their hiding place.

This time, I am ready for them and you know why? I am (ahem) more mature.

I have learned that feelings are just a gage on my journey through life. They don't define who I am. My feelings gage how close or how far away I am from JOY. (2 Nephi 2:25- "...and men are that they might have joy.")

I wonder if anyone will notice if I don't wear a bra when I go back to work?