Saturday, April 25, 2009

My Lost Key

I found my key the other day. I didn't know it was lost. It isn't a key to any tangible door. I had an "AHA" moment, and then, right before me was the key.

My key.

A key that I had begged for. Cried for. Longed for. Hoped for. Prayed for. There it was, right in front of me.

I have been searching for control in my life. Control over my life. Control of my life. The more things I tried to control the less control I seemed to have. That was THE KEY. I was trying to control THINGS, while still allowing OTHERS to have control over me.

I have found my key. CHOICE.

I choose to take my life back. I choose to be responsible for my life. That means I hold no one else responsible for what happens to me.


For those of you who know me, or of my circumstance, THIS IS BIG.

I have allowed others to have too much control over my life. I allow what others think of me to dictate what I will say, how I will act or who I will be.

I am good enough as I am.

I am worthy of love as I am, just because I AM.
I choose to be happy instead of indifferent.
I choose to love not just be loved.
I choose peace instead of anger.
I choose my husband and sons.
I choose joy.

By choosing my own destiny I am taking back my life. The life I have been searching for all these years.

I thank God for small miracles and ask for one more.

(I went to the doctor this week and received some not so great news. I will know more in July. You may get to see me glow again.)


Tyler and Kacie said...

I hope you are doing better today my little 15+. You are always caring around so much and I wish I could lighten your load. We need to get the girls together and go to lunch and just LAUGH until our cheeks hurt!!! =0) ---XOXO

Kristina P. said...

Heidi and I talked about you this morning, and how much we adore and care about you.

I know I will definitely meet you in the future and experience that big beautiful smile myself!

I hope you know you have lots of people thinking and pulling for you.

Oh, and just so you know, Joe Dirt made me laugh too. It's still dumb. :) I like a lot of dumb movies.

val of the south said...

Hi April!

We missed you today at the bloggy group blind date! One of my old childhood friends is moving to St. George next month - so maybe we can get together when I visit her!

Interestingly Wendy and I were talking about that whole control thing on our way to the thing today. Giving up control is such a
difficult thing for me. I love your AHA moments - they seem to be the same things I need, but avoid thinking about!!

I'm so sorry about your not so great news - I hope you get your miracle.

val of the south said...

Darn - I thought I'd beaten Kristina P. for once! No such luck!!

wendy said...

That is a pretty special key you found. Like Val said, we spent time talking about "control" issues and how I've learned the older I get that I HAVE CONTROL OF NOTHING --except my choices as you mentioned. But sometimes I don't trust my choices -I am a bit of a flake. That's a different Key I suppose.
We sure missed you today --just so ya know!!

The Papa's said...

Can I just say that I look up to you!!! You're an incredibly strong woman. I'm lucky enough to know & work with you. You've given me some really great advice that has helped me in...well I can't count that high.:0) I'm in agreeance with Mona, let's get together SOON!!!

P.S. I like the new name...15+!!!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Hey April...I didn't make it to the party for Heidi either...just saying, read the comments!!

Anyway, it hurts my heart to hear that kinda news at the end of your post.

But you post was so UPLIFTING! It's a good reminder for me!

Kazzy said...

I missed ya tons today too. I love this post and the confidence behind the words. Thanks for your inspiration!

I will pray for you, friend.

April said...

Thanks Mona! A girls lunch sounds great! Eating solves everything! Doesn't it? If I lose any more weight my doctor will shoot me. (I never thought those words would ever be written about me!)

Kristina that does my heart good! Thank you so much! I so wanted to be there! I planned to go, but I was just too tired and then the other circumstances just took the wind out of my sails.

Hey Val! I can't wait to meet you and Wendy. I am so jealous that you two got to meet. If you EVER come to St George, you had better call me!!! Control has been a dominant theme in my life. Now I am taking control. YEAH!!!

Wendy-you and I are so alike that it is SCARY!!! I don't think you give yourself enough credit on choices....I know I didn't. Besides, if you don't make that final decision, then it really isn't your fault, right?

Roxanne! You rock! I love our talks! We definitely need a girls lunch! MONA!!! Let's do it!!!

Shelle- thanks girl! I can't wait for our girl's lunch this week to meet you and T in person! Tues pick the place.

Kazzy, thanks so much. I am finding my confidence and it feels good. It has been a long time coming. I wish I could have seen you today. But there will be the tomorrows.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Oh my helk, I am going to drive up to Provo on Tuesday to go to women's conference. I will just have to be there at 12:30 to meet you and Shelle, and T. Wow, how exciting would that be?

April it is strange how I can feel so close to you. I know that the Lord put you in my life. And like Wendy said, how we can all have found each other when we have so much in common, well it is just one of lifes big blessing.

I needed to read about this also. Add me to the list of people who struggle big time with control issues. Part of my complaint is that we are taught so much about setting goals, like we even have control. One of lifes big practical jokes, I suppose.

But you are so wise and right that we can choose how to react to the loss of control.

And I am sorry for your sad news also. I will add my prayers to the others.

I wish there was more I could say, but just know that you are not alone and regardless of how others have let you down in the past, you have so many who care deeply and are blessed by you.

Big cyber hug.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

wasn't logged in so I could follow.

April said...

Pat thanks so much, I feel that I have known you for a life time! Even though may not know your life's time line, I know that our common issues have brought us together quickly, along with our spirits!

I think that Shelle has to choose where we eat, since I am making all of these other choices, and I will let you know where we will be eating for lunch on Tues! HOW FUN IS THIS BLOGLAND!!!!

Anjeny said...

Hello April...this is a such a touching post. Love the aha moment but I'm sad to hear about your bad news. I pray with all my heart that everything works out for you.

T said...

it's all about choices... except for the lunch locale? Well, I think we can trust Shelle :) (I've been sending her psychic non-Arby's vibes all day)

we'll have fun, and not feel TOO badly that we missed out on the Heidi party...

Your word verifier has a lisp - it says thmelli... it's also quite rude...

April said...

Hey Anjeny! Thanks for the prayers! I'm really hoping that everything will be ok!

T-if Shelle picked Arby's I think we could veto it. YUCK! Nice lisp!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh April, I'm sorry about the glow. I am coming to st. george in July. The week between the 13th and 18th. If you're glowing can I still tie a yellow ribbon to your tree and leave a copy of The Carol Burnett Show on your doorstep?

I love this post. YOU ROCK! And I think I've read that same self help book you're reading. ;)

You go, girl!

T said...

Crash is coming HERE? ooh, I have to leave town at the end of that week, but I'll stalk her early on!

Any news as to our lunch place?

April said...

Crash...I have you marked on my calendar as a non-glowing week! Tie as many ribbons on the pecan tree as you like...but I'm still coming out! And I wish I knew about a book, I'm finding all of this out with some guidance from a "friend".

T- I sent you a message on facebook girlfriend! We are set for tomorrow! Arbys it is!! J/K!!! Chili's is THE place! 12:30.

annie valentine said...

I just send massive quantities of love into the universe and it's headed straight for you. Cause I'm powerful like that.

robin said...

You glow in so many ways and you don't need a pill for that!

I love that you're my sister and I'm glad you found your lost key.

Heidi Ashworth said...

I was SO sad you weren't there but I totally understood. This key that you found---some people never, ever, do. How wonderful that you have! I know what you are going through is tremendously difficult but if it helped you to find that key, then it could turn out to be totally worth it. I hope and pray that it is!

April said...

WOW Annie! I didn't know you were so powerful! I will keep that in mind! Thanks! glow's called being neon white! hahahaha!!

Heidi, I'm so sad I missed you. I'm still trying to get over it. I'm glad I found my key and so glad that you understand!