Friday, May 15, 2009

Not for the Weak

Change is not for the weak.

And right now, I am weak.

I am tired of change.

Tired of changing.

I am tired of putting my brain through one change after another.

Now I'm just whining. But you get my point don't you?

Change is hard.

Change for the better is good, but I feel like I've been through the ringer! You know the old ringer washer where you would feed the clothes through the two rollers. As the clothes go through the rollers the excess water is squeezed out.

I feel like a piece of clothing going through the rollers. I am being squeezed. I have nothing left.

I am trying to assimilate what I am learning into my life and trying to eliminate what I don't need. It sounds so simple.

Now picture yourself holding a jigsaw puzzle.

And imagine that puzzle you are holding represents your life.

As you are holding your life in your hands, you are told to drop that puzzle on the ground.

You know that if you do this that it will break into hundreds of pieces. You also know that you can't do anything while you are stuck holding a jigsaw puzzle. If you drop the puzzle, your hands are free. However, if you hold onto it, you are bound. The dropping of that puzzle represents the beginning of your freedom. So, you weigh out your choices.

What kind of life will you have walking around with a puzzle in your hands the rest of your life? Guarding it ever so carefully so that nothing happens to it. What kind of life is that? It is a safe life. It is a life that you may be comfortable with. It is a life that you know. But it is not the best life for you. It is not the best life for me. So out I step. Out of my comfort zone. The comfort zone that has protected me for so many years. Yet this protection has come with a cost. The cost is joy, happiness, friendship, love of self.

I drop the puzzle. I drop the life I know so well.

The puzzle pieces now lay on the ground. Some lay face up and some lay face down. When I chose to drop the puzzle and free my hands, I felt that I chose a monumental task for myself. I felt I would have to sift through all of these pieces to see what pieces were still relevant and what pieces were no longer relevant in my life. These pieces I would discard.

Day in and day out I have been racing through my thoughts, looking in the recesses of my mind for areas I may have missed. What if I missed this area? What if I forgot about that? I have been sorting through my mind as if it were the puzzle pieces that fell to the ground. I have been wasting my energies on "what if's" instead of focusing on the here and now. I felt life was getting in the way, instead of the puzzle pieces getting in the way of my life.

The puzzle pieces are on the ground. There they may stay.

I'm tired.

I'm hard on myself.

I don't want to look at any more puzzle pieces......maybe that's why I'm on day 2 of a migraine.

I want my life.


Heidi Ashworth said...

Hoo, boy, April, I think I know just a little how you feel. My husband dropped his puzzle about ten years ago and it has been a long hard haul. We have had to deal with his depression, anxiety, unemployment, disability, job re-training, new career!--sheez, it's been tough! The gospel is always the one constant . . .hang onto that! Meanwhile, there are people who love you so much and will help you to get through it all. Hugs!

Kristina P. said...

Yeah, I was just told that I'm going to be moving offices, to help a crappy office improve, which is flattering, but my shift will change. I will probably see my husband 5 hours a week now. Life will change, but hopefully only for the summer. I am just going to have a positive attitude, and make the most of it.

I am always glad to hear from you, April.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Wow, and actually Heidi's Hoo Boy sums it up well also.

Is part of that change having a son graduate from High school becaue I am struggling with that and the bipolar emotions I am going through about that.

I am so right there with you on much of this.

Tired is such a good way to describe it.

I am really good at puzzels, just so you know. I would love to come over and help with the pieces. Of course the Saviour is the best pussel putter togetherer ever.

LY April. We need to get together again soon.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Of course I would mispell puzzel. Sheesh.

April said...

Heidi, thanks! This isn't the first time that my puzzle has been dropped, but it is the first time that I am choosing to walk away. In the past I have sifted through and looked and tried to piece it back together. It is so time consuming. It is also very controlling. I have just realized this. I try to control situations instead of dealing with the problem. Sometimes, too perfectionists can muddle what we are taught in the Gospel and make that harder on ourselves. We are good at punishing but not so good at forgiving and moving on. I need to move on. Thanks for the hugs, thanks for the love. I so need to hear it. I wouldn't be as far along as I am if it were not for my friends here.

Kristina congrats on the move, but sorry about the repercussions. I have always found change hard. I don't do well with change. It is hard on my person as a whole. I hope you fare well. My prayers are with you!

Pat, it is everything. All the change. The change I am making in relationships, the change in myself. The change in my thought processes. And then trying not to go overboard and be perfect. When, I expect perfection from myself. It is quite a shift in thinking. This is why this time, I am choosing to walk away from the pieces. Start new. This way there is no right and no wrong.

These are usually experiences I would keep to myself, however, I know that I have friends that are going through similar experiences, and by sharing my experience, these friends know they are not alone. Alone can be scary. Alone can be daunting. Alone can feel overwhelming. I want them to know I am here. I am experiencing it. I get it. Their feelings are relevant. They are loved! They know who they are.

wendy said...

April, gosh that was an amazing piece of writing you did. I had to copy it and print it as it is really relevant to me right now as well, and I want to be able to re-read it. I have some critical decisions to make with my own life right now as well. Why do things have to be so hard. I WANT SO MUCH FOR THE BEST FOR YOU. Wish there was something I could do to help!!!!!!!!! Please know how much I am thinking of you ok.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Your verifier says Maryof.

I think that's really profound.

Mary. The ultimate symbol of strength, love, support, encouragement.

This was a beautiful, articulate post.

You drop that puzzle girl, walk away and don't look back.

Good luck.

Love YOU!

Barbaloot said...

I would gladly drop a puzzle I was holding...I hate the things! But dropping your life and what you're used to---I don't know if I could be as brave as you are. Good luck!

Kazzy said...

I am not sure about all of the struggles you are facing, but I know in general what it feels like to feel emotionally disorganized. I hope you get to where you want to be. Hugs from up north!

robin said...

Next week I will give you a big giant hug but for now you'll just have to imagine me hugging you. I love you tons!!!

April said...

Wendy, thanks so much for your words of encouragement. I hope that you get through what you are going through quickly. I hate this stuff!

Crash, you made me a good way. Thanks. I need to have more love for myself.

Barb, I used to like puzzles....not so much now. Thanks for thinking I am so brave.

Kazzy, thanks for the hugs. I can use them! This change stuff sure is hard. I need a break on a nice tropical island.....

Are you sure you are hugging me Toad? I think you are stroking me right now! :) I can't wait to see you either! I really appreciate you coming down.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

I am so glad to know that I am not alone.

I hate change also, big time.

It is so hard to change habits you have had forever.

I struggle with perfectionism also.

Someday I bet we will get to that land of change together, with the help of each other.

Thanks for that.

val of the south said...

I'm glad we don't have to fix the puzzle because I really suck at them.

I have a New Age kind of friend and he's always telling me the 3 key elements in life are: self love, self trust and self worth.

It sounds like you my dear are definitely on the right path. Wishing you all the best on the journey. Thanks for sharing.

Kritta22 said...

I just wanna give you a great big hug!

I am so proud of you. Knowing the you need to walk away. Most of the time, that's the hardest scariest part.

If you need ANYTHING, ANYTHING at all...I'm here for you, Chica!

Love YOU!

Kritta22 said...

BTW you made me eyes sweat as Crash would say.

You write good. :)

Melanie J said...

I think your puzzle analogy is really powerful and I hope you find the peace you want.

April said...

Thanks Pat! We are a lot alike! I'm glad we have found each other!

Val those are my three weaknesses...go figure! HA! That is what I am working on while still trying to maintain repeat what Heidi said...HOO BOY! Did I mention I am a control freak? Yeah, that doesn't work with the self worth, self love and especially the self trust!

Kritta, thanks so much! You are so cute! Just knowing that I have friends close by really helps! THANKS!

Thanks Melanie. This isn't the first time my puzzle has landed on the floor. This is the first time I am willing to walk away.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

K... my eyes are sweating (as crash would say)

April, my heart goes out to you. I felt something in what you said... but I know I have NO IDEA of what you really and truly are going through.

Love ya!

April said...

Thanks Shelle....I appreciate it! I appreciate all the kind words of encouragement! It truly helps!

T said...

THAT is an amazing analogy... and though I know you're not just trying to be deep and meaningful... you are!

Just know that the pieces are still there - start with the corners and worry about the rest as you can... and if you can't that's why you have friends/church members/family/the Savior/and blog buddies... we love puzzles :)

annie valentine said...

I'm clinging to my puzzle pieces for dear life right now, and I know any second I'll find out there's another piece on the way.