Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The Things I Carry

This post is mostly true. It is an account of what I carry throughout a day..........

I am usually grateful when Sunday has passed as it is the hardest day of the week for me. Ever since I was a little girl, Sunday has been far from a day of rest.

I carry my scriptures -2.1 pounds- along with my binder for Young Womens which weighs about eight ounces. I sling my green leather purse-5 pounds- minus my cell phone -4 ounces- over my shoulder and slip on my glasses -4 ounces- as I head out to church.

Sometimes I leave the kitchen sink behind -20 pounds- and other times I tuck it in the corner of my purse because I never know when I will need it. I also take with me to church the guilt of not being a good enough mom-100 pounds-, not being a good enough wife-99 pounds- and being a horrible daughter- 1000 pounds. I carry along with that the worry that someone {anyone} will find out -1000 pounds.

After church is over I head home to take some much needed ibuprofen because I have just learned in class and through the talks given that what I am doing is still not good enough.

I am exhausted.

I don't know how I can carry this load home.

I am ready for Monday.

I am ready for a break.


Kristina P. said...

Usually the weekends are the break for people. What a sucky time! :(

Barbaloot said...

If I were you, I'd try to leave the purse at home. That four pounds could save you! Or the scriptures...I mean, what are the odds of you not sitting by someone with them?

As far as the guilt and pressure---well, let's be honest; you're a woman, like it'll ever be realistic to drop that:)

Kazzy said...

So true that those things literally weigh on people. I have felt those extra pounds. I say grab your cell phone and text during the meetings. It might be fun!

Melanie J said...

This is definitely how it goes for me more often than not. But...the Sundays where I actually come home feeling lighter are totally worth it.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

It's so true about church sometimes. I leave there feeling a bit of a failure and realizing how lazy I am.

I loved the way you wrote that!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

I can relate to this post in so many ways, and yet I think that it is so sad. It is Satan deceiving you. We are not meant to come home each week feeling worse. The Saviour only wants our best effort, not perfection. I wish there was some way I could help to lighten your load. Mine too for that matater.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh that is perfect.

I disagree with Barb. Leave the sink at home.

And leave the guilt at home.

Oh, it's so heavy though. Last Sunday I carried home the guilt of not preserving the past and preparing for the future.

Sunday's are always the hardest day for me too.

I love this post because it reminds me of The Things They Carried. Have you read it? You have, haven't you!

dede said...

I am SO glad you lost that 60 lbs. - can you imagine trying to drag that around too? AND didn't you know the "horrible daugther" weight gets knocked down (250 lbs.) for every kid you have (thats why I had 4)! Enjoy your WEEK!

The Garden of Egan said...

Wow! You put into words what most of us can't speak. Darling blog, thanks for sharing.

Heidi Ashworth said...

This is a brilliant post! Very clever. Somehow I missed out on most of the guilt that sundays induce (blame it on my arrogance) but there have been a few times in my life when every word anyone said made me feel like chopped liver (do people still use that expression?) I can't even imagine feeling that way EVERY SUNDAY. For your WHOLE LIFE. Yuck! I know that you are far from alone in that . . .I really admire people who still drag themselves to church week after week just to get that kind of a beating.

April said...

Yes Kristina...it does suck!

Barbaloot...thanks for the encouragement...hehehe!!!

Kazzy, if I took my phone to church that might be an option...but then I'd not have a platform to stand on in YW! :)

Melanie...I long for those Sundays!

April said...

Shelle, I stole the style....from one of Crash's favorite authors....Tim O'Brian.

NHC....the plight of a perfectionist is finding balance....I am working on that.

Crash, it's so true....I did read it! And I "borrowed" his style. I am in love with a new author! And yes, sometimes the kitchen sink does come in handy...especially when there's a line in the women's restroom.

Dede, that means I am only carrying 500 pounds....nice!

Garden of Egan...thanks so much for visiting and for your sweet words!

Heidi....this is how Tim O'Brian writes....he is soooo good! And it struck home with me. I read the whole book last Sunday because I was sick and didn't feel like getting beaten up.

wendy said...

Oh April, shed that weight and just BE----I have also learned that way to often I feel NEVER GOOD ENOUGH, NEVER RIGHT ENOUGH, NEVER SACRIFICED ENOUGH, ---you get the drift. BUT, I have had to make a "leap of faith" with my life right now and I'm moving on and feel soooooooooo happy and good about my decision. Others are pissed --oh well, perhaps for them, I will still never be good enough.
we just keep trying.
but I am starting to feel alot "lighter"

April said...

Wendy, I am so happy that you are happy! I need to get to the "I DON'T GIVE A ____" phase in some areas. That would help my life a lot!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I'm so happy you are in love with Tim O'Brien. I knew we were soul sistahs!

So I don't know when I will be able to meet in St. George because I am going to be with my fam and I don't know what they have planned. Maybe we can sneak away for breakfast either Thurs or Fri morning (next week). If it doesn't work out this time, it looks like I might be back again very soon so we will definitely hook up.

Are you going to be having radiation again?

April said...

I hope we can work it out!! You name the time and I will be there! And about the radiation thing....my counts haven't improved, but I don't have to have another treatment until the new year. YEAH!!!!

Homer and Queen said...

You are like my best frind ever!!!

April said...

Ahhhh Queen.....why do you have to live so far away? Cause I think you rock!