Change is not for the weak.And right now, I am weak.
I am tired of change.
Tired of changing.
I am tired of putting my brain through one change after another.
Now I'm just whining. But you get my point don't you?
Change is hard.
Change for the better is good, but I feel like I've been through the ringer! You know the old ringer washer where you would feed the clothes through the two rollers. As the clothes go through the rollers the excess water is squeezed out.
I feel like a piece of clothing going through the rollers. I am being squeezed. I have nothing left.
I am trying to assimilate what I am learning into my life and trying to eliminate what I don't need. It sounds so simple.
Now picture yourself holding a jigsaw puzzle.
And imagine that puzzle you are holding represents your life.
As you are holding your life in your hands, you are told to drop that puzzle on the ground.
You know that if you do this that it will break into hundreds of pieces. You also know that you can't do anything while you are stuck holding a jigsaw puzzle. If you drop the puzzle, your hands are free. However, if you hold onto it, you are bound. The dropping of that puzzle represents the beginning of your freedom. So, you weigh out your choices.
What kind of life will you have walking around with a puzzle in your hands the rest of your life? Guarding it ever so carefully so that nothing happens to it. What kind of life is that? It is a safe life. It is a life that you may be comfortable with. It is a life that you know. But it is not the best life for you. It is not the best life for me. So out I step. Out of my comfort zone. The comfort zone that has protected me for so many years. Yet this protection has come with a cost. The cost is joy, happiness, friendship, love of self.
I drop the puzzle. I drop the life I know so well.
The puzzle pieces now lay on the ground. Some lay face up and some lay face down. When I chose to drop the puzzle and free my hands, I felt that I chose a monumental task for myself. I felt I would have to sift through all of these pieces to see what pieces were still relevant and what pieces were no longer relevant in my life. These pieces I would discard.
Day in and day out I have been racing through my thoughts, looking in the recesses of my mind for areas I may have missed. What if I missed this area? What if I forgot about that? I have been sorting through my mind as if it were the puzzle pieces that fell to the ground. I have been wasting my energies on "what if's" instead of focusing on the here and now. I felt life was getting in the way, instead of the puzzle pieces getting in the way of my life.
The puzzle pieces are on the ground. There they may stay.
I'm tired.
I'm hard on myself.
I don't want to look at any more puzzle pieces......maybe that's why I'm on day 2 of a migraine.
I want my life.
